Nov 04, 2019:

Got home from school, today was a very good day, I think.

I woke up at 8:04, got to the music building during piano but didn’t go to piano, I went to a practice room to practice piano, and it felt mostly good. Have not finished homework which feels mostly bad. Went to Econ and let myself research and muse and attack things in my own way which felt very very very very very good. Ate a good sandwich at Eat Unique, had a good coffee from Carnegie, choreographed good moves to Glory, a song Becket showed me, had an individual moment with Richard in Voice about my song, and forgive me but I think it went well, I think I was good. Skipped recitation, watched videos about fractions, went to algebra, was engaged. Wrote good notes in the margins like ‘I don’t stop when I get something right, I keep going until I get something wrong.’ Which I really like. 

Of course I cried in the middle of the day, but I only took one Adderall, and my body is in a lot of pain. I want to plan my New York trip. I am grateful for becket, I am happy for how I felt in each class today, some things are good. 

Listened to some nice Sam Smith songs.

I felt moved from within at many points today. I was alert in math class, and did some Duolingo on the side. I spoke up during my lessons with Richard, after trying to submit. I had fun composing a piece even though I went overtime. 

Maybe my ego has been very very strong in the absence of others to swish it around? My roommate's girlfriend's Ego is powerful, and yesterday I was annoyed. So it goes! 

So it good!

Feb 04, 2020:

Leap year!

VQS, PR: I am sitting in the plaza in my rainbow sneakers and my green shirt and my green backpack and my royal blue leggings and my pink bathing suit top. A health meeting is happening in the multipurpose building to my right. Yoga was cancelled today, I guess. No one showed up, or maybe they locked the doors on me.

I’ve shut the blue out, I think. I could write a book as brilliant as Bluets. I’m as brilliant as the color blue. I’m fairly hungry right now but I just ate the only snack I have. I’m going to the bay with Mark later tonight and I might feel plastic, again. 

I choreographed a good ditty today to ‘Stupid Deep’ by Jon Bellion. I gave Becket advice that I want to be true. I let my house be a mess, I texted four or five different boys, I neglected food, I chugged coffee, I called mom, I used my phone a lot yesterday and did almost nothing the day before. 

Blue, I’m sorry. Spending the weekend with Mark was a sore idea.

July 15, 2021:

It seems dependability is a trait I extol; desire. Theo has given me one word answers and I am inferring, nay, feeling the worst. Maybe my dream of going to LA with Becket was more about Theo going to Oregon. I think it was.

How am I supposed to prioritize someone who has that quality of privacy? I’m annoyed and scared by his reaction to me asking for information when he wanted space. Like sick, we all want certain things sometimes, you don’t get to be pissy just because I’m with someone else right now.

Based off this, I don’t think he could actually handle polyamory past a thought experiment. I don’t think many can. I don’t think I Want to. But I do want to ?
I am completely in my chest. Is it from blocking him? Isn’t that supposed to solve… something? We didn’t agree to radio silence, but here we are, obtuse:
No, we aren’t ready to live together. I can let the fantasy die. 

I am made of fantasies and stories, Theo and Fran meet at the migrant shelter, their love blossoms in an oil man camp, Fran works in LA, she reconvenes with her long lost LA lover, Fran works on everything except her dependable self. 

I crave dependability that I do not have, that they will not give me. Mom is right. I am dreaming on exhausted coals.

I have a headache from- some wine? Waking at 5:30, 7:15, 8:30? Again, again.

I picture everyone looking over my shoulder at what I have written, writing is horrific, why do we do it? Theo and I aren’t ready to live together! If I had taken a few days to think about it, but you’re never given a few days are you, it’s always right then and there, make your decision, stick to your guns, we’ve got you covered, we’ve got the fun.

I don’t want to go to the beach with his mom, I hope it starts to rain. I have an hour until I have to go and say hey, did you want to go? Dressed in my bathing suit, pretend I’m unhumiliated to spend time with someone successful. And yet you claim to love the water and finding common ground, F. Pip pip!


Sometime during the pandemic: 

5 major activities this week
instagram
Thinking about mark
Thinking about mark
Yoga
Partially successful work
Thinking about Cucubano 
Reading
Foreign films
Half assed cleaning
Crying


List your five major activities this week. How much time did you give to each one? Which were what you wanted to do and which were shoulds? How much of your time is spent helping others and ignoring your own desires? Have any of your blocked friends triggered doubts in you? 

I gave a lot of thought and time to Instagram. I didn’t not want to do that, but there was no external mission of creativity and presentation other than wanting a …community feeling. But the feeling I get from Instagram is so fleeting, it’s not comparable to inner peace creative exploration, longer term creative mulling, art share, creating with other people, or talking to other people. Although that was lackluster this week too.

Talking to my friends takes up a lot of my headspace as well and I didn’t even write it down. I don’t think it’s as simple as deleting Instagram and telling my friends I can’t talk. That’s a symptomatic fix and an expression of my will rather than my joyful life affirming boundaries and creativity.

Is most of my time is spent helping others and ignoring blocked inner desires? When I do begin to tend to my inner fires, the inner critic crescendos and doesn’t hide the fact that it is just the voices of my parents.

I don’t really want to type about it but Mako is very on and off as far re: being supportive to me right now. And no one else, other than talking to Becket on the phone (!), has been too helpful to my creative work. 

But I hadn’t really asked the universe for that, I guess.

Feb 13, 2025:
blow out your candles, this has nothing to do with you